Lacey Luzzi: S'mored: A humorous, cozy mystery! (Lacey Luzzi Mafia Mysteries Book 5) Read online

  “I am a threat,” Meg growled. “Don’t you underestimate me. I got the womanly power to distract all guards from all their duties and let The Fish-man waltz right back in here.”

  “Exactly,” I said. “So as a precaution to National Luzzi Security, please stay in the car.”

  “Yeah, you’re right,” Meg agreed, coming around to my logic. “When you’re putting it like that, I see your point. I’ll do my part to keep this place safe – you’re welcome.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate the sacrifice.”

  “That, and I’m only halfway through my article on how to remove extra toe hair, so I gotta finish reading up before the cabin.”

  I wrinkled my nose and got out of the car as quickly as possible, wanting to be nowhere near Meg’s hair experiment.

  “Hey, Harold,” I said, only slightly winded as I reached the door. Carlos’s butler-since-forever was exactly how I pictured my ideal grandpa figure – elderly, friendly, wise, and full of just the right amount of hugs and kind words – ironically, nothing at all like my real grandfather.

  “Hello, dear,” Harold said with a smile. “I’m glad to hear your birthday evening was a success.”

  I tried to decipher whether or not he knew about Anthony and me, or if he was just talking about the fireworks display. Deciding that he couldn’t have known about our new relationship already, I smiled. “Everyone was so sweet putting in all that effort. I had a blast.”

  Harold winked. “I know it was a bit stressful. I hope you enjoy your weekend away. You deserve some relaxation.”

  “Thanks, Harold,” I said. “I’m sure it will be relaxing. I’m looking forward to no work, no thinking, no Family matters.” I paused. “Really, I’m planning on shutting my brain off.”

  “Have fun,” Harold called after me, as I strode down the hallway. “But be safe out there!”

  “Excuse me?” I whirled back around, despite my hurry to reach Carlos. I was fifteen minutes late already, and my grandfather didn’t appreciate if I was one minute late, let alone fifteen.

  “Lacey dear, don’t read into it. I just meant it’d be nice if you tried to avoid explosions and such on your day off.” Harold smiled. “Also included on the list of Not-To-Do’s this weekend: find a dead body, accept an assignment from Carlos, or track down any form of illegal substance. Do you understand me?”

  Wide-eyed, I nodded. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever told me.”

  “You deserve some rest.” Though there was a stern expression on Harold’s face, I detected a glimmer in his gray eyes.

  I wrapped him in a hug. “Thanks for the advice, old man. Are you sure you don’t want to come?”

  “Why, no. No, I don’t think I do. I’ve forgotten my fire-retardant bomb-suit, it’s back in London.”

  “Hardy har.” I rolled my eyes. “Sorry to rush, but I’m a teensy bit late…”

  “Carlos is waiting in the kitchen.”

  Hurling a thanks as I rushed down the hall, I sprinted through the Grand Entrance, which felt as large as the Coliseum and just as magnificent. Rugs more expensive than my entire apartment building furnished the marble floors, gifted to Carlos by royalty from countries across the world. The stained glass windows behind the red-carpeted staircase were originals. The statues were as perfect as David himself, and just as naked.

  But as I reached the hallway leading to the kitchen, the landscape changed drastically. The Hallway of Infamy was Nora’s territory. She’d managed to scrape up remnants of all the Family’s past and plaster them haphazardly across the wall: Clay had a few Mathlete awards pinned up, my cousin Joey beamed in a picture as he held a check for twenty grand that he’d won at a casino – his skin as orange as an overripe squash – and even Nicky made an appearance, grinning down at us in his eclectic array of mug shots.

  I’d managed to salvage one spelling bee certificate I’d won in eighth grade, a trophy my mom had tucked away in a To Save box. It now hung proudly next to my mother’s nipple tassels. It was all very sentimental.

  Huffing and puffing like the magic dragon, I pushed open the heavy, mahogany door at the end of the hall, pulling up short as soon as I entered the kitchen.

  “So,” my grandfather said slowly, “you’ve decided to show up.”

  Carlos sat at the head of the table, his hair peppery gray, his small stature completely belying the power he wore like one of his beautifully-tailored suits.

  “Sorr-y!” I gasped. “We had some issues with the suitcases.”

  “Oh, there she is,” trilled Nora, sweeping into the kitchen, her apron fluttering around her ankles. I assumed her cooking attire was just for looks, since the only thing on the table was a few half full glasses of wine and limoncello.

  My short, plump grandmother grabbed me in a squeeze, and I could smell the slight aroma of molasses biscotti and red wine. Which, upon first sniff, was not an unpleasant smell. However, I’d learned from experience that the scent meant I’d soon be trying to swallow hard-as-rock cookies. Now when I caught a whiff of molasses, my heart pounded and my blood raced in fear.

  “I’m so glad you and that charming friend of yours are able to use the cabin this weekend,” Nora pulled away from the hug with shiny eyes. “Where is she, by the way? You didn’t invite her in?”

  “I’m guessing you mean Meg?” I asked.

  “Yes, dear. The funny one,” Nora said. “She’s got a great sense of style, too.”

  “Mmm,” I murmured, the image of her bathing suit plaguing my mind.

  “Yes, she’s a real charmer,” Carlos muttered.

  “She’s in the car,” I said, remembering Carlos had recently worked with Meg to ensure my birthday party had been a surprise. “Doing some research.”

  “For the trip?” Nora asked. “How fabulous of her. It’s about time that cabin saw some young blood. Lord knows Carlos never takes time off and whisks me away for a romantic weekend.”

  “Well, it’s not so romantic,” I started. “It’s just Meg and me—”

  I was interrupted almost immediately by Nora, who apparently wasn’t finished talking. “On the same romantic note, Lacey dear, when can we expect a great-grandchild from you? The clock is ticking, as you know.”

  My mind flashed in a panic. Did she know about me and Anthony? She couldn’t. Nobody knew except Meg, Anthony, and me.

  “I, uh—” I stuttered.

  “Tick, tock,” Nora whispered. “Tick, tock. Do you hear that?”

  “No, actually, no I don’t hear anything,” I said, backing away from my grandmother, who had a slightly crazed look in her eyes.

  Nora shuffled over to me and put her hand on my stomach, listening intently. With a firm nod, she cleared her throat. “Well, I hear it loud and clear. It’s a grandmother’s talent. And that tick-a-tocking is the sound of all your fertile eggs just frying right up.”

  “I don’t think it works like that,” I said, feeling oddly queasy at the sight of her hand on my stomach. I removed it gently. “I’m not even dating anyone.”

  “Really?” Nora asked, her face falling. “Oh, rats.”

  “Yeah, sorry to disappoint.” Inwardly, I cringed. In a moment of panic I’d lost my chance to announce that Anthony and I were dating. When Anthony and I had been cuddling together under the fireworks, we’d discussed the fact that we shouldn’t hide anything from the family. We’d promised to be open about our relationship as soon as the opportunity arose. Whoops.

  “Don’t worry,” I said, trying to recover. In my defense, this wasn’t exactly how I’d pictured announcing the news – it wasn’t entirely my fault I’d panicked – I’d wanted to tell everyone in a special sort of way.

  “Don’t worry about what?” Nora asked.

  I gave a weak smile. “I’m still looking for a man. Hopefully something comes up soon.”

  Nora’s face brightened. “Really?”

  What’s one more secret? Anthony and I could tell the family about our relationship when I return
ed from the weekend at the cabin. He wouldn’t be happy, though. No, Anthony’s morals were much stricter on this subject than mine, and he’d made it very clear he didn’t want to keep secrets from his boss. Or my grandfather. And it just so happened that the two figures were the very same person.

  I understood that his intentions came from a good place. He respected my grandfather enough to not hold secrets back, and there was the small fact that our relationship might “complicate” our jobs. I, on the other hand, felt no such need to divulge our news right away. In fact, I’d suggested that we keep our new and improved relationship status on the down-low for a few weeks, just to see how things progressed without external pressure from everyone else. Unfortunately for Anthony, it looked like I’d goofed, and we were back to secret status.

  “Keep us posted the second you have a new development,” Nora said. “In fact, hang me on The Google.”

  “I’m not sure what that means,” I said, never quite sure what my grandmother meant when she referenced the Internet.

  “Hang me on The Google,” Nora clarified. “I’m pretty sure that’s what the young kids do these days, Lacey. Get with the program.”

  “Oh, okay,” I agreed. “I will figure out how to hang you on The Google. But for now, I don’t want Meg to overheat in the car. We should be off. Thank you both for letting us use the cabin for a few days. We really are thrilled.”

  Carlos growled. “You showed up here fifteen minutes late, Lacey Luzzi. We had a meeting. Does that mean nothing to you?” My grandfather rapped his fingers against his glass of limoncello. “It’d serve you right if I didn’t hand over the keys.”

  I hesitated, debating whether to respond to him myself, or look to Nora for help.

  After a moment, I chickened out and looked to Nora.

  “Carlos, dear,” my grandmother said, a hand flouncing up to her hip. “Don’t speak to your granddaughter like that. She probably arrived late because she was dolling herself up for the special trip, am I right, honey? She has to look nice for all the men, mind you. Don’t you want a great-grandchild, Carlos Luzzi?”

  My grandmother winked conspiratorially in my direction, her wide grin making my palms a little clammy. The only time Nora was this giddy was when she’d set up a dinner date between me and a member of the male species.

  “Nora, what aren’t you telling me?” I asked, skeptical of her good mood.

  “Oh, dear.” Her cheeks flushed. “Too much wine. Wine just makes all my secrets slip right off the tongue.”

  “Auntie Nora, it’s two in the afternoon.”

  “I had a brunch date with Bill and Carol. Everyone drinks mimosas at brunch!” Nora said. “Then bottomless mimosas turn into a glass or three of wine. We need wine to play Words with Friends.”

  “You played a computer game while you were at brunch? You’re supposed to play when you’re not hanging out in person.” I shook my head.

  “Oh, Lacey. Keep up with the times. You’re living back in the nineties, sweetie.” Nora clucked sympathetically. “Anyway darling, I have a present for you.” Before I could say no thanks, she scurried away, leaving Carlos and me alone in the kitchen.

  Trying to dispel the awkward silence, I wracked my brain for a conversation topic – anything at all. But nothing popped up offhand.

  “So…” I ventured hesitantly, hoping my grandfather would help me out, throw me a bone.

  Carlos, however, remained still as a statue, staring eerily at me without emotion.

  “All righty, then. I guess we can just wait in silence.” I busied myself looking at the magnets pinned to the fridge – a completely unfascinating way to pass the time. Running out of magnets to examine, I opened the refrigerator to see if there were any snacks that wouldn’t hurt my teeth.

  Carlos cleared his throat as I shut the door. My back stiffened, and I was glad he couldn’t see the guilty expression on my face.

  “Put it back,” he said firmly.

  “Put what back?” I turned around, my ears bright red.

  “Put it back, Lacey.” He glared at me. Embarrassed, I set the small bottle of handmade liqueur back in the fridge. I’d only wanted a sample.

  The soft clomping of footsteps signified Nora’s arrival back in the kitchen. I closed the fridge door before Nora could also comment on my penchant for stealing their booze supply, even though I was twenty-nine-years old.

  “Put it on.” Nora said, ignoring the glare-off between Carlos and me. She held up a wrapped gift as she spoke.

  “Put what on?” I gestured to the box. “It’s wrapped.”

  “Open it, open it!” She clasped her hands over her apron. “Now! Hurry, hurry!”

  “All right, all right.” I ripped open the package, a little excitement fluttering in my stomach. I really loved presents, despite my track record of less-than-stellar surprises.

  Nora reached over, helping me pull the paper from the box. When it was finally unwrapped, I peeked in the box. Upon seeing the small piece of “clothing” inside, I quickly decided against holding it up for everyone to see.

  “Oh, no,” I said, holding the gift before me. “Nora, wow. Well—”

  “Don’t you mean thank you?” Carlos grumbled. “I tell you, the respect in this household…”

  Warily, I reached for the present and held it out in front of me. A flimsy piece of material dangled from my fingertips, and as soon as Carlos realized what it was, he piped right down.

  “Thanks, Nora,” I said. “You really shouldn’t have.”

  “Oh, just doing my part for the cause,” Nora clasped her hands in front of her body.

  “How do I use this?” I gestured towards the flimsy gift that I guessed might be clothes. Or floss. It was hard to tell. “And what cause do you mean?”

  “The Get-Lacey-Hitched cause. The gift is something you can keep close while you’re on vacation, just in case you meet the love of your life up in Tonka.” Nora’s smile started to fade slightly. “Don’t you like it?”

  The gift in question happened to be the most revealing lingerie outfit I’d ever seen. A showstopper, for sure. But somewhere in the past five minutes Nora must have forgotten I was going to the cabin alone – at least in terms of romance.

  “That’s very sweet of you.” I looked up at her. “But you know I’m just going to Tonka with Meg, right? Girls’ weekend only.”

  “Ah, yes.” Nora looked away. She suspiciously looked away. I narrowed my eyes, and she blushed furiously.

  “Just bring it with you. Just in case you change your mind,” she chirped, turning back to me with a cheery smile.

  “You’re not planning something, are you?” I gave her a raised eyebrow. “Not trying to make me fall in love?”

  “Of course not.” She waved a hand in dismissal. “Carlos, do I ever meddle?”

  Carlos looked down. He shifted uncomfortably. “Lacey, here. Take the keys.” I snatched the proffered keys and bolted down the hallway before Nora started to spew steam from her ears.

  I whisked through the Hallway of Infamy just as my grandmother’s voice floated behind me. “What have I told you about sticking up for your wife, Mister? I do not meddle, Carlos. I assist. I help people find their soul mates.”

  I waved adieu to Harold, thankful I’d escaped in the nick of time. No matter how long I knew the pair, it still tickled me that the only person in the world who could make Carlos quiver in his boots was his feisty, sparkling, pint-sized wife.

  Chapter 4

  Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony sounded loud and clear from my bag as I turned out of the estate’s parking lot.

  “Is that a new ring tone?” Meg asked, digging around my purse for the vibrating phone. “Sounds depressing.”

  “Yeah, but it must not be working because I set that song to go off only for Carlos’s number. He wouldn’t be calling me now, I just left. Can you see who it is?”

  “Oh, it’s him.” Meg handed the phone over. “Maybe you forgot something?”

  “Carlos?�
� I answered, pressing the phone to my ear. There was no way my Lumina came equipped with Bluetooth.

  “Tell him I said hi.” Meg tapped me on the shoulder.

  “Okay,” I mouthed to Meg. Speaking into the phone, I asked Carlos, “Did I forget something?”

  Meg tapped me again. “Don’t forget. Tell him hello from me.”

  “Okay, jeesh,” I said, swerving to stay on the road. Carlos gave me another earful about respect, while I glared at Meg. “No, sorry Carlos, I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. I was talking to Meg. She says hi, by the way.”

  “That wasn’t a very heartfelt hello,” she hissed.

  I tried my best to tune out my friend as I listened closely to Carlos’s instructions. After he finished, I gave Meg a shrug and an I don’t know gesture, then turned back to the phone. “Sure, Carlos. We’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

  Twenty minutes flew by, and I still had no clue what Carlos wanted.

  “What are we doing here?” Meg sat with her feet propped on the Lumina’s dashboard, her seat fully reclined.

  “Beats me.” I’d been standing outside the car for the past few minutes, watching the street for suspicious activity. Carlos had requested I meet him at the intersection of Payne and Larpenter, a random street corner in the middle of St. Paul.

  Except for a dog who eyed me up and down as if I could be lunch, and a lone teenager in a treehouse smoking something I doubted was a cigarette, there was no movement on the street.

  “Well, I’m hungry. You got any snacks?” Meg leaned out the window.

  I slowed to a leisurely walk after pacing up and down the block. I’d officially scouted the area ten times over and come up empty. Retreating back to the car, I noticed Meg had let the comforter slide from her shoulders and was now sunbathing in all her glory.

  Having regressed in her clothing choices, she was once again all see-through plastic and itsy bitsy confetti triangles, looking quite comfy lounging with one foot out the window. I also noticed several of her toes were a little red, and I decided not to ask how the hair removal had gone.